Becoming a mother has changed who I am immensely. I don't even know if immensely is the right word. Radically. I can feel it in my bones. Nothing is the same, everything has changed. The love I feel for my son and husband overflows. And it has put in to prospective my whole existence and everything I have pretty much ever done. How foolish I was when I was younger and what I valued as important. The little dramas I use to fill my life with, the time I invested into things and people. I really was such a silly girl, I was grown and all but I don't think I was quite yet a woman and I know that sounds funny but I really believe it to be true.
I can't say I am one of those that became a mother the second I found I was pregnant. The idea of becoming a parents was kind of terrifying to me and it took some getting use to, he was just an idea up to the time of his birth. Even as my belly grew and I could feel him - It took him being placed in my arms for everything to click. I was responsible for the tiny human being. I didn't know what to do at first, even holding him, he was just so tiny and felt so fragile. When we left the hospital initially he started choking the second we came home and I freaked out. That was followed by a trip back to the hospital for jaundice that very week and then we had a few weeks of getting into a routine before we were rattled again by the emergency surgery on his tummy. There are no words for the feelings we were having during that time. It was gut wrenching to see our little boy in pain and in trouble like he was... having to agree for this little infant to be put under and cut into in the first few weeks of life. However, it saved his life and it was a swift kick into the nitty gritty of parenthood.
Over the last several months we've learned as we've went along. He is growing so dang fast, part of me is sad to see his independence increasing but at the same time it is so exciting to see him learn and adapt. From rolling over, sitting up on his own, entertaining himself... His first tooth started coming in yesterday. I just stare in awe something. I made him from scratch.
The birth of my son was also the springboard back towards my faith, something I have from lingering away from for quite sometime. There is nothing like bringing life into this world that solidifies your faith. From finding out you are pregnant, to hearing the heartbeat for the first time, to feeling those kicks and the squirming in your belly, to having your child, the little being you made from scratch, being put into your arms. It is awe inspiring and so significant. My emotions and feelings are so much more immense and deep, I wish I had to words to translate how I feel these days. Everyday with my son is a gift and a blessing that I can't even begin to describe, Watching him grow and learn - I am SO blessed to be at home with him to be able to witness this on a day to day basis.
Getting married and having a family has shown me this whole new side of life and I am overjoyed that I am fortunate enough to experience it all. I can't help but laugh at the immaturity and things that I use to think matter. All the drama, people and insignificant things that use to fill my life that I earnestly thought mattered. In the broad scheme of things none of it did, none of them did. It was just lessons in life and really nothing more. Funny how all that happens, how quickly things that mattered so much in retrospect doesn't matter at all and truly never did.
All that really matters is this...
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