Invested.

Honestly, when I found out we were expecting - while I was kind of excited, mostly I was in shock. It took several weeks for me to actually come to terms with the fact that I was going to be someone's mother. That God had granted me this opportunity that I didn't think I necessarily deserved. It was kind of surreal for the first month - People would ask if I was excited and this unsure half smile would come across my face. I was unsure about my feelings and I am bad at lying. I don't know exactly what part of the situation made me so uneasy but I was extremely uneasy at the thought.

I know all the statistics, that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage in the very first trimester - So I was sure that if something were to go awry I would be perfectly fine either way. Our appointment last Thursday proved otherwise.

Thursday, as I laid on that table and the assistant was scrolling the wand of the doppler across my lower abdomen, my ears strained to hear the faintest sound, that little sound that mimics the sound of a galloping horse, the baby's heartbeat. I was silent, trying not to take deep breaths concerned it could mask the baby's heartbeat and we would miss it. As the seconds passed and she just kept scanning this small panic started to blaze in the forefront of my mind, and as the minutes passed I realized. I am invested. Somewhere along the way in the last 6 weeks of knowing that I was pregnant it became more then there is a fetus in me, no... this is my child. I know Devin could see the concern in my eyes, I couldn't hide it, even after being reassured that it is normal not to be able to find the baby at 10 weeks. However, I was already completely irrational at this point and just wanted them to find the baby's heartbeat right then and there. When they scheduled my first ultrasound for 2 Thursdays away I just looked at them like surely they were joking. Yeah, they weren't.

So we have 10 days before our first ultrasound, I will be 12 weeks and 4 days. I pray daily for the health of our baby.

I never figured myself to be one of those women, but here I sit being one of those types of women. My heart is fully in this. If you were to ask me if I was excited today this big ol' smile would come across my face. I am totally sure of my feelings, this is my baby. I am invested.